School My Heart

Darkness swells from deep within
And I am wont to wish the end
The cause to me remains unknown
Yet times there are I feel I’ve grown

The new moon all that casts its light
On this street of shame I stride
Climactic time; so, flight or fight?
Fear compels to run and hide

But fight I must, so fight I will
Open mouth and spew my guts
For “love” I have and hope to fill
The world with joy and heal its cuts

“Love” has made my life worthwhile
But once again that “love” is quelled
Else it appears as evil guile
To rescue her I feel compelled

da Vinci wisdom suggests you might
Take time and care with some foresight
To ensure the Lisa smile persists
Though some may question if it exists

Dear God, I ask you help me see
A purpose in this life for me
Do I exist for fun and fancy free?
A prayer has brought come clarity

I have lived my life for someone else
I thought my joy it would freely bring
My heart, a wasteland, hope that melts
Not love, but pity, that which I sing

My eyes now open, I feel a surge
Of control and peace that fills my soul
Thoughts of rescue I begin to purge
Mutual benefit is a better goal

One that thinks of me as much
As I of her, her joy, and mine
No more a momentary crutch
Our hearts no longer toe the line

Pity leaves; my heart can learn to truly LOVE
Fear abates; passion strengthens my weakened heart
Worry fades; courage gives my heart a needed shove
Envy dies; my heart finally opened to life’s next part

I wish I could say goodbye...

Life is strange, you know.  I have been on this planet 17,128,662 minutes and counting.  For a large majority of that time, I have sought happiness.  Yet, for the millions of minutes, I remain undecided on the definition of happiness.  I have spent seemingly countless hours studying the human mind and behavior under the guise of desiring to make the world a better place.  Truth be told, I am just a selfish man yearning to find answers for myself.

With frequency I have questioned, “What is wrong with me?”  An interrogative with infinite responses.  So often I question my place in this world.  Do I really have a purpose?  I try to love my family, friends, and God.  But honestly, what good do I do?  Hell, I fail to properly expend energy on more than a couple of friends at a time.  Even then, do I really make a difference?

I think of the billions of people in this world and I am overwhelmed.  For instance, look here.  Who gives a shit about me?  Quite literally, if I were to die this ticker would continue to rise.  I am the tiniest blip on this radar.  In much the same way, I feel that I am but a blip on the radar of everyone I know.

People try to understand what goes on inside my mind.  They offer their advice of what I need to do.  It doesn’t help, I thought it would.  How do you keep from fading out?  With each passing minute, I feel the dissolution of my presence.  The words I wrote some years ago still ring very true:

How long before I become
A passing thought but once a year?

I don’t know if I truly exist.  I live each day with a hollow heart and an empty soul.  No one can truly care about me.  I have wasted everyone’s time and feel that it’s time for me to go.  Do you know what it is like to know that there is not a single person on this planet that thinks of you, above all others?  Do you know how hard it is to feel like the goofy sidekick?  The straight "gay best friend"?

I am tired of feeling like the background.  I am only there if there are no other options.  "I'm alone right now, would you like to...oh Hey, sorry, I've gotta go!"  I am supposed to make a difference in this world but I have failed.  I want to scream and yell and give a big FUCK YOU to the world but I need the world.  So here we sit, in this hellish symbiosis.  

F.unny U.nderstanding C.lever K.nowledgeable

Have you ever laid there and wished you could die

Wondering how, when, and where your life went awry

Hopes, dreams, and plans have toppled on down

Now looking for some way to exit, rebound

Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking

Be glad it’s not me, a life with whom you’re making

Dayana, we chased the night for a brief stint

Damn good thing that you caught onto the hint

Cheryl, I was overzealous and spooked you like a deer

Rejoice you escaped and got yourself far from here

Laura, I don’t know how you knew it back then

Bullets you dodged pushing me away again and again

Kjirsten, what can I say?  I lost you, I never even fought

Trust me, with me your life would have been shot

Angie, you were crazy and I loved you to death

With me, you never would take a healthy breath

To all of you, I say a final farewell and good luck!

I don’t know but to tell you that I know I still suck

I hope you’re all happy just like you deserve

Lives like yours should be loved and preserved

I hate who I am and I only infest

Making others grow weary and eventually detest

I want to be good and want to be bad

I want to be happy while feeling so sad

I am two different souls living at war

No wonder I hate myself down to the core

Give it a rest and maybe in some future day

Someone may come and bring love your way

Give it a rest and bid love adieu

No one wants anything to do with you

Tormented inside, it is good I’m alone

No need to drag another to this Hell of my own

Fuck! is the only word that comes to my mind

Fuck! you’re an idiot and utterly blind

Darkness Overwhelms

I am a firm believer of the mantra, “things will always get better.”  I have experienced this many, many times.  I have noticed that when I focus on Jesus Christ, my life improves.  When I neglect the “Primary Answer” behaviors (e.g. reading scriptures, praying daily, etc.), inevitably, I suffer.  I lose the peace that the Gospel of Christ brings.  I fight a battle, every day, to cling to the good in life.  The Book of Mormon helps me find peace in this chaotic world.  The following is a story that I wrote, some parts true while others non-fiction:

Eyes closed.  Heart sunk.  Shoulders slouching.  Legs trembling.  Stomach churning.  Water coursing over me as a stand, the shower beating down upon my head, contemplating how my life has led me here.  Choice after choice!  Each decision a different path.  In this moment, I am keenly aware of every bad choice I have ever made.  I know that I can never change.

The thoughts swirl in my head.  Like a mighty tornado, wreaking havoc on my mind. The darkness inside me grows, expanding nothingness.  The pressure, it hurts and weighs me down.

My mind is sick and tired.  Exhausted it begs for relief.  The respite I seek seems something of fiction.  I don’t want to act on these dark and depraved thoughts; a constant flood from the wells of hell.  I’m a failure, that’s what I am!  A disappointment, a piece of shit!  I let myself, my family, and everyone down.

I have to escape this HELL in which my mind is trapped.

I start to cry as, like this shower, the decision washes over me.  I dry my eyes.  I can’t let them reveal this emptiness inside.  They can’t betray me and tell my parents what I’m about to do.

Clean and dressed, I am now ready.  Beneath the surface, a monster rages.  It has consumed me and I have given in.   I go downstairs and interrupt my parents as they watch TV.  I let them know I’m going on a drive and will be back within the hour.  A bald-faced lie.  I kiss my mom and dad goodbye.  This is the last time I will see them here.

I sneak my gun into my car.  Where should I go?  I go to the church parking lot as this is where I will write my final goodbye.  On my way, I grab a Mountain Dew to rid myself of the sour taste in my mouth.  I park!  I open the notebook and begin to write.  As I write, I say a prayer, asking for someone to call or text.  I want someone to save me from this Hell I’m in…I want someone to save me from what I am going to do.

My phone lies silent.  I thank my family for all that they have done.  I hope they know there’s nothing more that they or anybody could have done.  I have felt their love but I am still empty.  I declare regret for the things that I will miss.  I finish my letter.  My phone lies silent.

It seems that no one will call to save me.  Am I tempting God?  I guess I am, that’s not right of me.  Oh well, he will scold me when I arrive.  I know that I will have to account for this choice that I’m about to make.  One last chance!  Anyone?!  Hello?!  Please call…just as I thought…I’m not needed here anymore.

I lay my seat back, trying to get up the courage to travel up the canyon and finish off my mortal plight.  What is that, a car is pulling in.  Could it be?  Oh, no, it’s just a cop telling me that I’m trespassing.  Liar, this isn’t trespassing.  I humor the officer and leave the premises.  I arrive at the stop sign at the bottom of the street.  Turn right and I will arrive at the mouth of the canyon within a few minutes.  Turn left and I can head home and live to battle another day.  I sit, stopped for what seems an eternity.

Without a blinker, I release the brake.  I begin to drive and feel the wheel, pulling to the left as if with a mind of its own.  I continue left.  A flood of emotion and thought floods my mind, I’m headed home.  What does this mean?  I guess I’m going to sleep this off.  I am so tired.  I have no energy left.  Somehow I arrive home.  I crawl into bed and feel the world melt away.  The lights go dark.  The sounds become silence.

My eyes open.  By the grace of God, I have made it through the night.  I’m rested.  I’ve made it to tomorrow.  Fearing what the day might bring, I summon the strength to rise to my feet.  I know that darkness gives way to light.  Please God…be with me today.

A year of ups as well as downs.  The question I am wont to ask.  Why me, why me?  Confusion is a familiar choice.  Until just now, I hear his voice.  He calls to me in the words of another.  The answer comes.  “BECAUSE I TRUST YOU!” (Credit to Michelle Black of BipolarMormon.com who spoke at our Stake Conference tonight.  Thank you for your words.) Confused no longer, I choose understanding.  I know not what will become of me but as for now, this is my lot.  So as He trusts, I’ll try to, too.  I love you, Lord.  I’ll do what you would have me do.

Here's Looking at You

Looking back – something I am wont to do
Looking to what? The unanswered question that has plagued my mind
Looking to whom? Those I have left or left me, the same
Looking to pain! There must be meaning in all I’ve traversed

Looking forward – something I am trying to do
Looking to what? The question that’s left for me to answer
Looking to whom? Her picture is not in greatest of focus
Looking to pain! How else would I grow?

Looking for you – but willing to wait!
Looking for you – who dares to love me!
Looking for you – who’s looking for me!
Looking for you – oh girl of my dreams!

Hidden Dreams (Edited)

I need time away from the one I love

Because she’ll never love me back

She doesn’t even realize that she’s the one

She thinks I pine for someone else

Yet deep within I know the love for which I yearn

Is spent on others who ‘round me sit

I honestly want to run forever

Though after one block, I’d take a nap

How do I hold on hope that in a future day

The love I need will come my way

If not hers, then who will it be

You can’t love a man such as me

In my dreams I fall asleep and wake no more

It’s easier to never feel again

Than hurt and hurt, feel good, then hurt

Exhausted, tired, I’m ready to give in

Please God, know that I love you but I can’t go on

I’ve tried to have faith enough

But we all know that I’ll disappoint

If not today, then tomorrow for sure

I’m a decent man who fell to vice

One too many times or thrice

But most of all, please know I loved you all

I just hurt so much and can’t stop the pain

I know Christ could heal my pain

But tomorrow comes, I hurt again

How many times must I feel this???

I know the answer is until I get it right.

However, I have learned that it takes guts

To carry on day after day, and month for month.

I’m too ****** up to carry on, too broken down,

Too late, my friends, please let me go, I’ve failed you here.

Upwards Friend

They say true friends are hard to find

Yet when that thought comes to my mind

I beg to differ as I look around

I see the many friends I've found

How is it that I'm so richly blessed

Yet oft I've thought myself as less

OH! What a fool that I have been

To bitch and moan that I've no friend

I've doubted so much in my life

Yet now I see the goodness rife

It's in their smiles, it's in their eyes

It's in their love, friendship I surmise

I can't describe this change inside

Yet thanks I give to a caring guide

A friend indeed who called, Bull shit!

"Find the good, your life's full of it!"

A friend will cry and hold you tight

Yet push you on to a greater height

A friend will laugh, make your heart swell

A friend is one who knows you well

A friend is one who'll call your bluff

Yet know exactly when enough's enough

A friend is one who knows your heart

How it beats and when to start

A friend knows how to help and heal

Yet haven't studied you in the least

From their heart love shines on forth

Sets you aright and gives you life!

Have you ever? ***Edited***

Have you ever thought about the way that you'll die?
When death comes to stare you straight in the eye,
Will you have the strength to accept what comes next
Or do you believe that you won't be vexed?

No matter the way, do you sometimes just wish
That death would come sooner rather than later
On a cold plate, it serves up its dish
Get it over and get me out of this hell

I hate my ******* life and wish IT would end
I'm up and I'm down and so full of ****
I act like I'm happy when really I'm not
I hate who I am and wish I could change

I'm not comfortable 'round no one, not for too long
I can't trust anybody but WANT to so bad
I love them so much but don't feel it returned
I'm such a big burden and hope to just pass

I'm a waste of your time, believe me, you'll know
I'm no good for me and I'm no good for you
I ruin all the good and leave nothing to love
I'll never believe in a happier life

I hate being negative and wish I could laugh
Here with myself, with someone, without
I love to make people laugh but lack the control
Of the feelings I feel once everyone's gone.

I'm always alone and always will be
There's no purpose in alone, God says so Himself
Been rejected by one, by 'nother, and again
I wish I were fine being all by myself

What's a real friend? I think that I've had one
But I've really no clue and wish I thought not
Much easier it is when no one's around
Loneliness sucks but I've learned how to cope.

People say that they care but really, come on
No one knows what to say, they clearly don't care
They just want to avoid the blame they might feel
If finally I take that step off the ledge.

A gun or a knife, or maybe a rope...
Pills would be nice, I wouldn't feel a thing
Alcohol, please give me the courage I need
To do what needs doing, I'm starting to bleed.

I can't feel it, yet look, it's red and so pretty
I can't believe that I've done it, but what of the mess
I've made such a mess, disappointing in death
I'm sorry for leaving so much to clean

I'll drive till I'm dead and then maybe I'll crash
I'll burn up in flames and I'll finally be free
I'll be free from this world and the **** that it brings
I'll be free from the pain that I constantly feel.

The heart ache is melting and there goes the stress
All I can feel is the stretch of my smile
Knowing it's done and I'm on my way out
Brings comfort and joy, I almost could shout!

As my breath fades away and speech becomes tough
Know that I loved you, ALL OF YOU, I did!
I ****** up so much and I had to let go
Peace be to you, You did all you could
Nothing could save this **** of a man.

And as the funeral proceeds, sure only family attends
I wish I had money to cover the expense
I spent it in vain trying to win your approval
Me, from YOUR lives, not the hardest removal.

HAPPY! days

My writings are flawed as they come out of here
Painting a picture, Picasso beware
Lithium eyes and Seroquel dreams
Don't tell me I'm crazy...that's wasting my time

I'm crazy for love, I'm crippled with fear
I think way too much, obsessively so
Let me alone I don't wanna change
I like who I am yet hate me the same

I'm up and I'm down
I'm figuring out
How the world spins around
Whether I'm in or I'm out

Life can be tough and I need to mature
I'm stuck in a rut with nowhere to go
Your smile.  Beyond description.
Problems. You've got them, I hope.

Let's be lost together finding our way
Take a step toward me and I pull you in
Fear not, I'm beside you for the good times and bad
Out of nowhere arises an oasis for love

Hold my hand, I feel peace, I feel life
Stare into your eyes, I awaken within
Thinking of You, my grin starts to stretch
Can you be interested in this awful wretch?

LOVE. hate. HOPE. despair.
Feelings I feel without even knowing
Increasing the good and ousting the bad
I love where I'm going...keep driving me there!

Roadmap to write and gastank to fill
Your hand in mine, sounds too good a deal
A smile on your face, that's what I like
My mission is simple...(to be continued)

I Died Last Night

I woke up this morning and remembered my dream
I was very sad and wanted to prove I could do it
I grabbed the gun, broke the action, and loaded two shells
I love this gun, it shoots so true

I walked up to my room and there I felt my life slip away
I thought the last few thoughts before I died
Nothing sticks out, I don't know what ran through my mind
I don't remember pulling the trigger and so here I lie.

It's after midnight and I'm alive
It's surprising because much of me wants to go
What keeps me here is a mystery
One that I have yet to solve but what happens when I do

In the solution do I find the end
Is the recompense passing to the world beyond
The place I know is far better than the most wonderful earth has to offer
But what if I'm the one to send me on?

That's what worries me but what when worries cease?
If I no longer cared would I be able to do it?
Would I be able to punch my ticket to the underworld?
Where would I roam if life's answers were less intriguing?