Darkness Overwhelms

I am a firm believer of the mantra, “things will always get better.”  I have experienced this many, many times.  I have noticed that when I focus on Jesus Christ, my life improves.  When I neglect the “Primary Answer” behaviors (e.g. reading scriptures, praying daily, etc.), inevitably, I suffer.  I lose the peace that the Gospel of Christ brings.  I fight a battle, every day, to cling to the good in life.  The Book of Mormon helps me find peace in this chaotic world.  The following is a story that I wrote, some parts true while others non-fiction:

Eyes closed.  Heart sunk.  Shoulders slouching.  Legs trembling.  Stomach churning.  Water coursing over me as a stand, the shower beating down upon my head, contemplating how my life has led me here.  Choice after choice!  Each decision a different path.  In this moment, I am keenly aware of every bad choice I have ever made.  I know that I can never change.

The thoughts swirl in my head.  Like a mighty tornado, wreaking havoc on my mind. The darkness inside me grows, expanding nothingness.  The pressure, it hurts and weighs me down.

My mind is sick and tired.  Exhausted it begs for relief.  The respite I seek seems something of fiction.  I don’t want to act on these dark and depraved thoughts; a constant flood from the wells of hell.  I’m a failure, that’s what I am!  A disappointment, a piece of shit!  I let myself, my family, and everyone down.

I have to escape this HELL in which my mind is trapped.

I start to cry as, like this shower, the decision washes over me.  I dry my eyes.  I can’t let them reveal this emptiness inside.  They can’t betray me and tell my parents what I’m about to do.

Clean and dressed, I am now ready.  Beneath the surface, a monster rages.  It has consumed me and I have given in.   I go downstairs and interrupt my parents as they watch TV.  I let them know I’m going on a drive and will be back within the hour.  A bald-faced lie.  I kiss my mom and dad goodbye.  This is the last time I will see them here.

I sneak my gun into my car.  Where should I go?  I go to the church parking lot as this is where I will write my final goodbye.  On my way, I grab a Mountain Dew to rid myself of the sour taste in my mouth.  I park!  I open the notebook and begin to write.  As I write, I say a prayer, asking for someone to call or text.  I want someone to save me from this Hell I’m in…I want someone to save me from what I am going to do.

My phone lies silent.  I thank my family for all that they have done.  I hope they know there’s nothing more that they or anybody could have done.  I have felt their love but I am still empty.  I declare regret for the things that I will miss.  I finish my letter.  My phone lies silent.

It seems that no one will call to save me.  Am I tempting God?  I guess I am, that’s not right of me.  Oh well, he will scold me when I arrive.  I know that I will have to account for this choice that I’m about to make.  One last chance!  Anyone?!  Hello?!  Please call…just as I thought…I’m not needed here anymore.

I lay my seat back, trying to get up the courage to travel up the canyon and finish off my mortal plight.  What is that, a car is pulling in.  Could it be?  Oh, no, it’s just a cop telling me that I’m trespassing.  Liar, this isn’t trespassing.  I humor the officer and leave the premises.  I arrive at the stop sign at the bottom of the street.  Turn right and I will arrive at the mouth of the canyon within a few minutes.  Turn left and I can head home and live to battle another day.  I sit, stopped for what seems an eternity.

Without a blinker, I release the brake.  I begin to drive and feel the wheel, pulling to the left as if with a mind of its own.  I continue left.  A flood of emotion and thought floods my mind, I’m headed home.  What does this mean?  I guess I’m going to sleep this off.  I am so tired.  I have no energy left.  Somehow I arrive home.  I crawl into bed and feel the world melt away.  The lights go dark.  The sounds become silence.

My eyes open.  By the grace of God, I have made it through the night.  I’m rested.  I’ve made it to tomorrow.  Fearing what the day might bring, I summon the strength to rise to my feet.  I know that darkness gives way to light.  Please God…be with me today.

A year of ups as well as downs.  The question I am wont to ask.  Why me, why me?  Confusion is a familiar choice.  Until just now, I hear his voice.  He calls to me in the words of another.  The answer comes.  “BECAUSE I TRUST YOU!” (Credit to Michelle Black of BipolarMormon.com who spoke at our Stake Conference tonight.  Thank you for your words.) Confused no longer, I choose understanding.  I know not what will become of me but as for now, this is my lot.  So as He trusts, I’ll try to, too.  I love you, Lord.  I’ll do what you would have me do.