Life is strange, you know.
I have been on this planet 17,128,662 minutes and counting. For a large majority of that time, I have
sought happiness. Yet, for the millions
of minutes, I remain undecided on the definition of happiness. I have spent seemingly countless hours
studying the human mind and behavior under the guise of desiring to make the
world a better place. Truth be told, I
am just a selfish man yearning to find answers for myself.
With frequency I have questioned, “What is wrong with
me?” An interrogative with infinite
responses. So often I question my place
in this world. Do I really have a
purpose? I try to love my family,
friends, and God. But honestly, what
good do I do? Hell, I fail to properly
expend energy on more than a couple of friends at a time. Even then, do I really make a difference?
I think of the billions of people in this world and I am
overwhelmed. For instance, look here. Who gives a shit about me? Quite literally, if I were to die this ticker
would continue to rise. I am the tiniest
blip on this radar. In much the same
way, I feel that I am but a blip on the radar of everyone I know.
People try to understand what goes on inside my mind. They offer their advice of what I need to
do. It doesn’t help, I thought it
would. How do you keep from fading out? With each passing minute, I feel the
dissolution of my presence. The words I
wrote some years ago still ring very true:
How long before I become
A passing thought but once a year?
I don’t know if I truly exist. I
live each day with a hollow heart and an empty soul. No one can truly care about me. I have wasted everyone’s time and feel that
it’s time for me to go. Do you know what it is like to know that there is not a single person on this planet that thinks of you, above all others? Do you know how hard it is to feel like the goofy sidekick? The straight "gay best friend"?
I am tired of feeling like the background. I am only there if there are no other options. "I'm alone right now, would you like to...oh Hey, sorry, I've gotta go!" I am supposed to make a difference in this world but I have failed. I want to scream and yell and give a big FUCK YOU to the world but I need the world. So here we sit, in this hellish symbiosis.
I am tired of feeling like the background. I am only there if there are no other options. "I'm alone right now, would you like to...oh Hey, sorry, I've gotta go!" I am supposed to make a difference in this world but I have failed. I want to scream and yell and give a big FUCK YOU to the world but I need the world. So here we sit, in this hellish symbiosis.
