I wish I could say goodbye...

Life is strange, you know.  I have been on this planet 17,128,662 minutes and counting.  For a large majority of that time, I have sought happiness.  Yet, for the millions of minutes, I remain undecided on the definition of happiness.  I have spent seemingly countless hours studying the human mind and behavior under the guise of desiring to make the world a better place.  Truth be told, I am just a selfish man yearning to find answers for myself.

With frequency I have questioned, “What is wrong with me?”  An interrogative with infinite responses.  So often I question my place in this world.  Do I really have a purpose?  I try to love my family, friends, and God.  But honestly, what good do I do?  Hell, I fail to properly expend energy on more than a couple of friends at a time.  Even then, do I really make a difference?

I think of the billions of people in this world and I am overwhelmed.  For instance, look here.  Who gives a shit about me?  Quite literally, if I were to die this ticker would continue to rise.  I am the tiniest blip on this radar.  In much the same way, I feel that I am but a blip on the radar of everyone I know.

People try to understand what goes on inside my mind.  They offer their advice of what I need to do.  It doesn’t help, I thought it would.  How do you keep from fading out?  With each passing minute, I feel the dissolution of my presence.  The words I wrote some years ago still ring very true:

How long before I become
A passing thought but once a year?

I don’t know if I truly exist.  I live each day with a hollow heart and an empty soul.  No one can truly care about me.  I have wasted everyone’s time and feel that it’s time for me to go.  Do you know what it is like to know that there is not a single person on this planet that thinks of you, above all others?  Do you know how hard it is to feel like the goofy sidekick?  The straight "gay best friend"?

I am tired of feeling like the background.  I am only there if there are no other options.  "I'm alone right now, would you like to...oh Hey, sorry, I've gotta go!"  I am supposed to make a difference in this world but I have failed.  I want to scream and yell and give a big FUCK YOU to the world but I need the world.  So here we sit, in this hellish symbiosis.  

F.unny U.nderstanding C.lever K.nowledgeable

Have you ever laid there and wished you could die

Wondering how, when, and where your life went awry

Hopes, dreams, and plans have toppled on down

Now looking for some way to exit, rebound

Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking

Be glad it’s not me, a life with whom you’re making

Dayana, we chased the night for a brief stint

Damn good thing that you caught onto the hint

Cheryl, I was overzealous and spooked you like a deer

Rejoice you escaped and got yourself far from here

Laura, I don’t know how you knew it back then

Bullets you dodged pushing me away again and again

Kjirsten, what can I say?  I lost you, I never even fought

Trust me, with me your life would have been shot

Angie, you were crazy and I loved you to death

With me, you never would take a healthy breath

To all of you, I say a final farewell and good luck!

I don’t know but to tell you that I know I still suck

I hope you’re all happy just like you deserve

Lives like yours should be loved and preserved

I hate who I am and I only infest

Making others grow weary and eventually detest

I want to be good and want to be bad

I want to be happy while feeling so sad

I am two different souls living at war

No wonder I hate myself down to the core

Give it a rest and maybe in some future day

Someone may come and bring love your way

Give it a rest and bid love adieu

No one wants anything to do with you

Tormented inside, it is good I’m alone

No need to drag another to this Hell of my own

Fuck! is the only word that comes to my mind

Fuck! you’re an idiot and utterly blind