I wish I could say goodbye...

Life is strange, you know.  I have been on this planet 17,128,662 minutes and counting.  For a large majority of that time, I have sought happiness.  Yet, for the millions of minutes, I remain undecided on the definition of happiness.  I have spent seemingly countless hours studying the human mind and behavior under the guise of desiring to make the world a better place.  Truth be told, I am just a selfish man yearning to find answers for myself.

With frequency I have questioned, “What is wrong with me?”  An interrogative with infinite responses.  So often I question my place in this world.  Do I really have a purpose?  I try to love my family, friends, and God.  But honestly, what good do I do?  Hell, I fail to properly expend energy on more than a couple of friends at a time.  Even then, do I really make a difference?

I think of the billions of people in this world and I am overwhelmed.  For instance, look here.  Who gives a shit about me?  Quite literally, if I were to die this ticker would continue to rise.  I am the tiniest blip on this radar.  In much the same way, I feel that I am but a blip on the radar of everyone I know.

People try to understand what goes on inside my mind.  They offer their advice of what I need to do.  It doesn’t help, I thought it would.  How do you keep from fading out?  With each passing minute, I feel the dissolution of my presence.  The words I wrote some years ago still ring very true:

How long before I become
A passing thought but once a year?

I don’t know if I truly exist.  I live each day with a hollow heart and an empty soul.  No one can truly care about me.  I have wasted everyone’s time and feel that it’s time for me to go.  Do you know what it is like to know that there is not a single person on this planet that thinks of you, above all others?  Do you know how hard it is to feel like the goofy sidekick?  The straight "gay best friend"?

I am tired of feeling like the background.  I am only there if there are no other options.  "I'm alone right now, would you like to...oh Hey, sorry, I've gotta go!"  I am supposed to make a difference in this world but I have failed.  I want to scream and yell and give a big FUCK YOU to the world but I need the world.  So here we sit, in this hellish symbiosis.