Hidden Dreams (Edited)

I need time away from the one I love

Because she’ll never love me back

She doesn’t even realize that she’s the one

She thinks I pine for someone else

Yet deep within I know the love for which I yearn

Is spent on others who ‘round me sit

I honestly want to run forever

Though after one block, I’d take a nap

How do I hold on hope that in a future day

The love I need will come my way

If not hers, then who will it be

You can’t love a man such as me

In my dreams I fall asleep and wake no more

It’s easier to never feel again

Than hurt and hurt, feel good, then hurt

Exhausted, tired, I’m ready to give in

Please God, know that I love you but I can’t go on

I’ve tried to have faith enough

But we all know that I’ll disappoint

If not today, then tomorrow for sure

I’m a decent man who fell to vice

One too many times or thrice

But most of all, please know I loved you all

I just hurt so much and can’t stop the pain

I know Christ could heal my pain

But tomorrow comes, I hurt again

How many times must I feel this???

I know the answer is until I get it right.

However, I have learned that it takes guts

To carry on day after day, and month for month.

I’m too ****** up to carry on, too broken down,

Too late, my friends, please let me go, I’ve failed you here.

Upwards Friend

They say true friends are hard to find

Yet when that thought comes to my mind

I beg to differ as I look around

I see the many friends I've found

How is it that I'm so richly blessed

Yet oft I've thought myself as less

OH! What a fool that I have been

To bitch and moan that I've no friend

I've doubted so much in my life

Yet now I see the goodness rife

It's in their smiles, it's in their eyes

It's in their love, friendship I surmise

I can't describe this change inside

Yet thanks I give to a caring guide

A friend indeed who called, Bull shit!

"Find the good, your life's full of it!"

A friend will cry and hold you tight

Yet push you on to a greater height

A friend will laugh, make your heart swell

A friend is one who knows you well

A friend is one who'll call your bluff

Yet know exactly when enough's enough

A friend is one who knows your heart

How it beats and when to start

A friend knows how to help and heal

Yet haven't studied you in the least

From their heart love shines on forth

Sets you aright and gives you life!

Have you ever? ***Edited***

Have you ever thought about the way that you'll die?
When death comes to stare you straight in the eye,
Will you have the strength to accept what comes next
Or do you believe that you won't be vexed?

No matter the way, do you sometimes just wish
That death would come sooner rather than later
On a cold plate, it serves up its dish
Get it over and get me out of this hell

I hate my ******* life and wish IT would end
I'm up and I'm down and so full of ****
I act like I'm happy when really I'm not
I hate who I am and wish I could change

I'm not comfortable 'round no one, not for too long
I can't trust anybody but WANT to so bad
I love them so much but don't feel it returned
I'm such a big burden and hope to just pass

I'm a waste of your time, believe me, you'll know
I'm no good for me and I'm no good for you
I ruin all the good and leave nothing to love
I'll never believe in a happier life

I hate being negative and wish I could laugh
Here with myself, with someone, without
I love to make people laugh but lack the control
Of the feelings I feel once everyone's gone.

I'm always alone and always will be
There's no purpose in alone, God says so Himself
Been rejected by one, by 'nother, and again
I wish I were fine being all by myself

What's a real friend? I think that I've had one
But I've really no clue and wish I thought not
Much easier it is when no one's around
Loneliness sucks but I've learned how to cope.

People say that they care but really, come on
No one knows what to say, they clearly don't care
They just want to avoid the blame they might feel
If finally I take that step off the ledge.

A gun or a knife, or maybe a rope...
Pills would be nice, I wouldn't feel a thing
Alcohol, please give me the courage I need
To do what needs doing, I'm starting to bleed.

I can't feel it, yet look, it's red and so pretty
I can't believe that I've done it, but what of the mess
I've made such a mess, disappointing in death
I'm sorry for leaving so much to clean

I'll drive till I'm dead and then maybe I'll crash
I'll burn up in flames and I'll finally be free
I'll be free from this world and the **** that it brings
I'll be free from the pain that I constantly feel.

The heart ache is melting and there goes the stress
All I can feel is the stretch of my smile
Knowing it's done and I'm on my way out
Brings comfort and joy, I almost could shout!

As my breath fades away and speech becomes tough
Know that I loved you, ALL OF YOU, I did!
I ****** up so much and I had to let go
Peace be to you, You did all you could
Nothing could save this **** of a man.

And as the funeral proceeds, sure only family attends
I wish I had money to cover the expense
I spent it in vain trying to win your approval
Me, from YOUR lives, not the hardest removal.

HAPPY! days

My writings are flawed as they come out of here
Painting a picture, Picasso beware
Lithium eyes and Seroquel dreams
Don't tell me I'm crazy...that's wasting my time

I'm crazy for love, I'm crippled with fear
I think way too much, obsessively so
Let me alone I don't wanna change
I like who I am yet hate me the same

I'm up and I'm down
I'm figuring out
How the world spins around
Whether I'm in or I'm out

Life can be tough and I need to mature
I'm stuck in a rut with nowhere to go
Your smile.  Beyond description.
Problems. You've got them, I hope.

Let's be lost together finding our way
Take a step toward me and I pull you in
Fear not, I'm beside you for the good times and bad
Out of nowhere arises an oasis for love

Hold my hand, I feel peace, I feel life
Stare into your eyes, I awaken within
Thinking of You, my grin starts to stretch
Can you be interested in this awful wretch?

LOVE. hate. HOPE. despair.
Feelings I feel without even knowing
Increasing the good and ousting the bad
I love where I'm going...keep driving me there!

Roadmap to write and gastank to fill
Your hand in mine, sounds too good a deal
A smile on your face, that's what I like
My mission is simple...(to be continued)

I Died Last Night

I woke up this morning and remembered my dream
I was very sad and wanted to prove I could do it
I grabbed the gun, broke the action, and loaded two shells
I love this gun, it shoots so true

I walked up to my room and there I felt my life slip away
I thought the last few thoughts before I died
Nothing sticks out, I don't know what ran through my mind
I don't remember pulling the trigger and so here I lie.

It's after midnight and I'm alive
It's surprising because much of me wants to go
What keeps me here is a mystery
One that I have yet to solve but what happens when I do

In the solution do I find the end
Is the recompense passing to the world beyond
The place I know is far better than the most wonderful earth has to offer
But what if I'm the one to send me on?

That's what worries me but what when worries cease?
If I no longer cared would I be able to do it?
Would I be able to punch my ticket to the underworld?
Where would I roam if life's answers were less intriguing?

IF/WHEN I DIE

If I die, will others mourn?

Will tears be shed?

If I die, will others know?

Will they care and will they show?

How long before I become

A passing thought but once a year?

Few shall reminisce of me

“Remember when we knew that guy?”

Conflicted with the pain inside,

There’s joy to spread but not my own

“Howdy there, I love that tie!”

“You’re the best!” but still I die.

Waiting for a miracle

A miracle to save my life

A friend who understands my strife

One who cares without a thought.

Much more to me, than man can see

I hide my life, for privacy

No one can know the wretch I am

I must protect others from the real me

I wear this mask, though daft it be

I cannot be what they expect

Laughter, cheer, I can't be sad

This mask is difficult to bear

I suffocate but no one cares

“Make us laugh or go away”

I feel them look as if to say,

“You’re not with us, GO AWAY!”

I don’t belong, I’m in between

I wander lonely so again

I ask what happens when I pass

No tears are shed, just bury me

How does it end, I may not know

Do I lose this war inside

Give into feelings deep and dark

No more breath my lungs to take

Or do I live to be a man

To a ripe old age where memory fades

Now I lay my head to rest

And If I die, before I wake

There is no soul for God to take

Don’t waste your time, your tears, or breath

Just know in death, I’m finally free

From these sins I’ve never beat

Satan’s won and I have lost

I cannot comprehend the cost

I love you Mom, I love you Dad.

Little bro and sisters four

Each day I loved you more and more

But on I go as I cannot bear

To struggle in this earthly sphere

I hope you know you did your all

But none could save me from this gall

Such a failure, night and day

I give up now, and fail again

I hope you can forgive me still

Now I know that when I die

Tears won't be shed, not even mine

As I gasp my last breath in

A tear collects and runs on down

Now I’m gone, good bye forever

Never again will I see your face